A bloody entry @ 8:43 PM

I am in pain continuously these three days. The pain is killing me. Have never been this bad before. Seriously painful. Effing pain pleaseee. I even saw a freaking blood clot the size of my thumb yesterday which crept the hell out of me and made me wonder if there was something fundametally wrong with me...God, save me...

Well, God is not here so I just ask Google for help at the moment. It suggests I see a doctor, soon.

Very well.

I shall rest for now. Totally tired.

Back Again @ 10:11 PM

Hi blog!


I am back to you, yet again. Felt like ages since I last wrote something meaningful. I actually attempted to build a new blog, but failed miserably. I even forgot the new blog account ID ever so often that it was so discouraging trying to recall the goddammed ID. By the time I successfully logged in, all the ideas had pfffed into thin air. So yeah, guess nothing is better than home. This page is so dear and familiar that it doesn't feel like a stranger after so long.

During the past months, sometimes I visited this page and read through my old entries. Some made me cringe (alamak!), but the majority just bit by bit urged me back to my old habit of blogging as it reminded me how good it felt after releasing my penned up thoughts and saw them turning into something so permanent...I can't describe it aptly, but it is something close to satisfaction I would say.


So many things have happened during the blog closure that it is impossible to recount everything, and of course I have no intention of doing so for 1) I have no talent in making narration interesting, and 2) I would expose myself too much to the polluted world full with killer UV ray, and it would cause skin cancer, so nothankyouverymuch. To sum up, I have experienced lost and found, melodrama and life simple pleasures, kinship, friendship and love in their truest forms. I have seen candle burnt till its last drop, and new flower bubbling with life and excitement. I have known regrets and made stupid-est kind of mistake and learnt my hard-earned lessons. I have experienced things that I have never ever thought that they would happen to me. Life is crazy, don't ever doubt it.

The Last Farewell @ 11:37 PM

I have never thought this blog will ever see its final day, but here it comes at last. In the past I have ignored this blog often, but never once officially close it. God knows I just love the URL so much I can't bear to give it up. During its heyday, it was the trusted place where I poured out my heart. It has seen my good days and bad days, my hopes and dreams, as well as my self-doubt and insecurities. It was also, embarrassingly, the means for the ex-narcissist in me to show myself off to the world even when I denied it.

Short of one more day this blog would have seen its 4th birthday. How I would love to keep this blog going. But life moves on. I have decided that a new stage of life has started. This blog closure will signify a new beginning to me. It has served its purpose of being my trusted source of encouragement for the past four years. Even now when it has come to its last day, it would still be my source of reminder and inspiration, guiding me in the next steps. You will be missed.

Thank you and Goodbye.

Ranting @ 10:51 AM

Stupid Sentosa is surely cut-throat nowadays. The CineBlast was cool, the Luge was awesome. Other than that, the rest was horrible. Splitting headache, backache, footache. Worse than most of my gym session. Felt thorougly beaten when finally got home. Grumpy. Now I know where I got that annoying trait from. Seriously felt like sh*t most of yesterday. Sentosa definitely makes it way into my black list.

Got home, quickly bathed. Went to bed, then woke up, then slept again, the woke up again. Repeat for about 4 times and we got my sleeping pattern last night. For now, I want peace, please. And a good rest. Probably being alone is the best, but it is more than impossible looking at it now.

Childhood @ 8:38 AM

I woke up, filled with memories of my childhood. Strange. There are happy memories, and there are sad ones.

--------------------

That year I was in primary 4. It was Teachers' Day, and Dad promised to bring me to visit my teacher. I was excited, oh I was! I looked forward towards that trip like nothing else in the world. And I was dissapointed like nothing else when the day slowly went by and Dad seemed to remember nothing about his promise to me. I asked him about it, he said he was busy with work at the moment and would bring me later. I waited, and waited, till I couldn't take it anymore so I pestered him again. This time with tears and hysteria. Dad couldn't do anything to calm me down, even after threat of a good beat and things like if-you-don't-stop-this-i-would-tell-mum, he just gave up. And then he went off to work. I was so pissed, so angry. I felt like I was nothing at all. Not important at all. I vented my anger on Dad's package of rubber bands he used to tie up his maps. I cut them into pieces, every single one of them. And then I went into a corner, hid myself and continued crying in silence. That was my childhood early sign of rebellion. And how I came to hate empty promises.

---------------------------------

That year I was in grade 7. Our teacher told us to write down what we thought about our parents, and we could keep it anonymous. Oh how naive and stupid I was. It did not occur to me that even if we did not indicate our name, our handwriting would give us away. So I poured all my heart out. About how I thought my mum was a good person but she did not understand me. Little did I know that this would be given to our parents during Parents - Teacher meeting. Oh boy, my Mum was pissed, that much I could tell. Somehow she was hurt by what I wrote down. Somehow she couldn't accept the fact that I did not think of her as a good parent as she thought she was. And somehow I was annoyed with her for scolding me for telling my true feelings. Somehow I was angry that I was betrayed by my teacher. Somehow I was pissed too that they thought there were something wrong with me, not something wrong with the way they taught me. For all I know, nobody was able to understand me, nobody would listen to me without judging me, and accept me for who I was. I was 13 year old, and that was when I stopped telling people what I truly think about them and the world.

-------------------------

That year I was in primary 5 when I got a first-ever 5/10 for my maths test. It was below acceptable for my mum. She scolded my in the middle of the night, and threatened to tell my dad about it. Oh how my parents love telling me that they would tell the other if i did not do this do that. I now find how ironic it was. But I did not then. I was afraid. I knew what Dad would do. He would cane me. He would. But what could I do? The test was over. The mark was final. I promised I would improve. But, as fate would have it, that promise was not enough to save me from Hell. And when my Dad was back from his business trip, I was somehow still got caned. I could not remember the details clearly, but my mum was angered by something else I did, and she spilled all the details of my bad behaviour, including the degrading 5/10 paper, and I got what they thought deserving for all my accumulated sins. 10 years old, that was when I learnt the fear of failure. I could not afford to make any mistake, for I would get severe punishment.

-------------------------

I do not want to be the same type of parents that mine were. Not all was bad, but negative memories tend to imprint more strongly than good ones. I hardly could recall any happy moments of my childhood that both my parents are present in the picture. But then, that was the only type of parenting I have ever experienced. I want to do better than that, but could I?

It is utterly ironic to me how some important people in my life think that I could just get married, give birth, and I would automatically know how to be a parent. Of course I would know how to be a parent, but I want to be a good one while at that. Im only 23 for God sake, I can hardly take care of myself sometimes, what can I do with a tiny baby...

-------------------------

On a brighter note, I think I slim down. But I still can't find a weighing machine to prove this. Haha. Wait till I find one!

A bloody entry @ 8:43 PM

I am in pain continuously these three days. The pain is killing me. Have never been this bad before. Seriously painful. Effing pain pleaseee. I even saw a freaking blood clot the size of my thumb yesterday which crept the hell out of me and made me wonder if there was something fundametally wrong with me...God, save me...

Well, God is not here so I just ask Google for help at the moment. It suggests I see a doctor, soon.

Very well.

I shall rest for now. Totally tired.

Back Again @ 10:11 PM

Hi blog!


I am back to you, yet again. Felt like ages since I last wrote something meaningful. I actually attempted to build a new blog, but failed miserably. I even forgot the new blog account ID ever so often that it was so discouraging trying to recall the goddammed ID. By the time I successfully logged in, all the ideas had pfffed into thin air. So yeah, guess nothing is better than home. This page is so dear and familiar that it doesn't feel like a stranger after so long.

During the past months, sometimes I visited this page and read through my old entries. Some made me cringe (alamak!), but the majority just bit by bit urged me back to my old habit of blogging as it reminded me how good it felt after releasing my penned up thoughts and saw them turning into something so permanent...I can't describe it aptly, but it is something close to satisfaction I would say.


So many things have happened during the blog closure that it is impossible to recount everything, and of course I have no intention of doing so for 1) I have no talent in making narration interesting, and 2) I would expose myself too much to the polluted world full with killer UV ray, and it would cause skin cancer, so nothankyouverymuch. To sum up, I have experienced lost and found, melodrama and life simple pleasures, kinship, friendship and love in their truest forms. I have seen candle burnt till its last drop, and new flower bubbling with life and excitement. I have known regrets and made stupid-est kind of mistake and learnt my hard-earned lessons. I have experienced things that I have never ever thought that they would happen to me. Life is crazy, don't ever doubt it.

The Last Farewell @ 11:37 PM

I have never thought this blog will ever see its final day, but here it comes at last. In the past I have ignored this blog often, but never once officially close it. God knows I just love the URL so much I can't bear to give it up. During its heyday, it was the trusted place where I poured out my heart. It has seen my good days and bad days, my hopes and dreams, as well as my self-doubt and insecurities. It was also, embarrassingly, the means for the ex-narcissist in me to show myself off to the world even when I denied it.

Short of one more day this blog would have seen its 4th birthday. How I would love to keep this blog going. But life moves on. I have decided that a new stage of life has started. This blog closure will signify a new beginning to me. It has served its purpose of being my trusted source of encouragement for the past four years. Even now when it has come to its last day, it would still be my source of reminder and inspiration, guiding me in the next steps. You will be missed.

Thank you and Goodbye.

Ranting @ 10:51 AM

Stupid Sentosa is surely cut-throat nowadays. The CineBlast was cool, the Luge was awesome. Other than that, the rest was horrible. Splitting headache, backache, footache. Worse than most of my gym session. Felt thorougly beaten when finally got home. Grumpy. Now I know where I got that annoying trait from. Seriously felt like sh*t most of yesterday. Sentosa definitely makes it way into my black list.

Got home, quickly bathed. Went to bed, then woke up, then slept again, the woke up again. Repeat for about 4 times and we got my sleeping pattern last night. For now, I want peace, please. And a good rest. Probably being alone is the best, but it is more than impossible looking at it now.

Childhood @ 8:38 AM

I woke up, filled with memories of my childhood. Strange. There are happy memories, and there are sad ones.

--------------------

That year I was in primary 4. It was Teachers' Day, and Dad promised to bring me to visit my teacher. I was excited, oh I was! I looked forward towards that trip like nothing else in the world. And I was dissapointed like nothing else when the day slowly went by and Dad seemed to remember nothing about his promise to me. I asked him about it, he said he was busy with work at the moment and would bring me later. I waited, and waited, till I couldn't take it anymore so I pestered him again. This time with tears and hysteria. Dad couldn't do anything to calm me down, even after threat of a good beat and things like if-you-don't-stop-this-i-would-tell-mum, he just gave up. And then he went off to work. I was so pissed, so angry. I felt like I was nothing at all. Not important at all. I vented my anger on Dad's package of rubber bands he used to tie up his maps. I cut them into pieces, every single one of them. And then I went into a corner, hid myself and continued crying in silence. That was my childhood early sign of rebellion. And how I came to hate empty promises.

---------------------------------

That year I was in grade 7. Our teacher told us to write down what we thought about our parents, and we could keep it anonymous. Oh how naive and stupid I was. It did not occur to me that even if we did not indicate our name, our handwriting would give us away. So I poured all my heart out. About how I thought my mum was a good person but she did not understand me. Little did I know that this would be given to our parents during Parents - Teacher meeting. Oh boy, my Mum was pissed, that much I could tell. Somehow she was hurt by what I wrote down. Somehow she couldn't accept the fact that I did not think of her as a good parent as she thought she was. And somehow I was annoyed with her for scolding me for telling my true feelings. Somehow I was angry that I was betrayed by my teacher. Somehow I was pissed too that they thought there were something wrong with me, not something wrong with the way they taught me. For all I know, nobody was able to understand me, nobody would listen to me without judging me, and accept me for who I was. I was 13 year old, and that was when I stopped telling people what I truly think about them and the world.

-------------------------

That year I was in primary 5 when I got a first-ever 5/10 for my maths test. It was below acceptable for my mum. She scolded my in the middle of the night, and threatened to tell my dad about it. Oh how my parents love telling me that they would tell the other if i did not do this do that. I now find how ironic it was. But I did not then. I was afraid. I knew what Dad would do. He would cane me. He would. But what could I do? The test was over. The mark was final. I promised I would improve. But, as fate would have it, that promise was not enough to save me from Hell. And when my Dad was back from his business trip, I was somehow still got caned. I could not remember the details clearly, but my mum was angered by something else I did, and she spilled all the details of my bad behaviour, including the degrading 5/10 paper, and I got what they thought deserving for all my accumulated sins. 10 years old, that was when I learnt the fear of failure. I could not afford to make any mistake, for I would get severe punishment.

-------------------------

I do not want to be the same type of parents that mine were. Not all was bad, but negative memories tend to imprint more strongly than good ones. I hardly could recall any happy moments of my childhood that both my parents are present in the picture. But then, that was the only type of parenting I have ever experienced. I want to do better than that, but could I?

It is utterly ironic to me how some important people in my life think that I could just get married, give birth, and I would automatically know how to be a parent. Of course I would know how to be a parent, but I want to be a good one while at that. Im only 23 for God sake, I can hardly take care of myself sometimes, what can I do with a tiny baby...

-------------------------

On a brighter note, I think I slim down. But I still can't find a weighing machine to prove this. Haha. Wait till I find one!